Vick Sloane



'“What’s the fuckin' point of life if you owe a piece of it to someone else? Shit thing is, it always ends up like that anyway. Take what you can get, an' fuck everyone what 'ates you for it.”'

Vick Sloane was born in the town of Portsmouth to a large family of labourers, where a combination of her good looks, fiery temper and refusal to be demure in a patriarchal society got her into trouble throughout her youth. When a local noble’s son took a liking to her and saw her aggressive nature as akin to a wild horse to be tamed, he forced himself upon her, in the face of which she gouged his eyes out with her thumbs and then, in her adrenaline-fuelled panic and rage, cut his throat with a paring knife, not stopping until she’d sawed his head halfway off.

She stowed away on a ship that night with nothing but the clothes on her back, and after being discovered a few days later, earned her keep aboard the merchant vessel. The following year, it was attacked by The Riposte, a ship under the banner of Eustace the Pirate King. Vick was brought on board as a prize, and endured many tribulations over the years. Eventually, through sheer grit and tenacity, she overcame the “disadvantages” of her gender and clawed her way into a position of some influence amongst the crew.

Eventually, after a particularly profitable venture, she took a small number of the crew and purchased a small Cog, renaming it The Thorn. After one too many close shaves, she opted from then on to work as more of a merchant adventurer than an outright pirate due to its relative safety and consistency.

In 1193, she met Essel and Arianwen, who sought to enlist the services of a merchant crew to ferry them across Saint George’s Channel...

Description
Born: 1168 (aged 26) Height: 5'5" Weight: 119lbs Build: Lean Nationality: English

Vick Sloane is a lean and ill-tempered woman whose chief weapons are not her knives or her barbed tongue, but the rage that fuels her. She has a reputation for intensity and ruthlessness; a personality honed after years of operating within the brutal society of pirates and privateers. She generally remains quiet and stoic unless agitated, and when she does speak, it’s with a rough, gravelly tone and an unmistakeably urban, lower-class accent. She is incredibly reluctant to show vulnerability, and anger is one of the only emotions she often displays.

Notable Features: Scarred hands and back; from desperate fights and shipboard floggings, respectively. A mane of unkempt red hair, often threaded with jewellery. Rarely seen without her hat.

Downtime: When Vick’s actually at the covenant, she’s often found lounging in the barracks or mess hall, sharpening her knives or (badly) whittling some wood. She takes frequent trips to The Red Boar and Nottingham, usually on her own, though she refuses to answer anyone brave or naïve enough to ask what she does in town.

Religion: Though Vick believes in God, she's naturally struggled to reconcile Him loving her, given the sheer amount of hardships she's had to endure. In general, she avoids thinking about it, though she certainly thinks attending mass is bullshit because "'e's everywhere an' 'e knows everythin', so why the fuck do I 'ave to go to a special buildin' every fuckin' week?", and thinks that the Church have been putting most of the words in God's proverbial mouth to lend divine power to their own desires and beliefs.

Fun Fact: Vick Sloane is secretly a lover of music, though she’d never admit it. She also met Eustace the Pirate King, and punched him when he made a disparaging comment regarding the novelty of a female “pretending” at being a pirate, which he answered by breaking her nose and then applauding her grit.

Pet Peeve: Loud eaters. Being made the butt of jokes. People talking as if she isn't right there. People giving unsolicited advice. People getting offended by foul language. People being overly chummy. People beating around the bush. People being pretentious. People humble-bragging. People bragging. People.

Greatest Fear: Intimacy

Most Embarrassing Secret: There's a spot just behind and below her ear that, if kissed, she melts into a puddle of endorphins.

When Drunk: Vick very rarely gets drunk - especially by sailors' standards - due to her severe reluctance to show vulnerability. When she does (usually in exceptional circumstances, and with one of the few people she trusts to look out for her), she is usually bitter - though on occasion, she is instead oddly nostalgic.

Geas: During the Summer of 1193, Vick swore a geas at the druidic town of Ballymote in Connacht, Ireland; the wording of which being "I won't 'urt no druids if they don't 'urt me."



Confidence Points: 4

Characteristics
Strength (Climbing) +1 Stamina (Holding Breath) +1 Dexterity (Uneven Footing) +2 Quickness (Instinctive Reflexes) +2 Perception (Being Watched) +1 Intelligence (Street Smarts) +0 Presence (Physical Attractiveness) +1 Communication (Sailors) -2

Virtues

 * Knife Fighter
 * Merchant Adventurer
 * Tough

Flaws

 * Ability Block (Logic)
 * Raised in the Gutter
 * Wrathful

Personality Traits

 * Cynical +3
 * Resolute +3
 * Sentimental +1
 * Wrathful +3

Reputations
Dangerous Pirate 2 (South Coast)

Key Abilities

 * Brawl
 * Leadership
 * Swim
 * Stealth

Languages

 * English 5
 * Gaelic 2

Abilities

 * Area Lore: Britain (Sailing Routes) 2
 * Athletics (Climbing) 25
 * Awareness (Alertness) 25
 * Bargain (Services) 1
 * Brawl (Knives) 56
 * Carouse (Staying Sober) 1
 * Chirurgy (Herself) 1
 * Concentration (Vigilance) 2
 * Faerie Lore (Faerie Roads) 02
 * Folk Ken (Criminals) 2
 * Guile (Concealing Items) 2
 * Intrigue (Criminals) 1
 * Language: English (Sailors) 5
 * Language: Gaelic (Sailors) 2
 * Leadership (Sailors) 3
 * Magic Lore (The Seas around England) 02
 * Organisation Lore: Pirates (Britain) 2
 * Profession: Sailor (Captain) 3
 * Stealth (Sneaking) 3
 * Survival (Coasts) 2
 * Swim (Seas) 3

Combat
Soak: 7 (Part Leather Scale 3 + Tough 3 + Stamina 1) Encumbrance: 1 (Load 3 = Burden 2 - Strength 1)

Typical Gear
A ragged leather hat, a long coat, leather scale (part), two daggers, several rings and necklaces, and many knives balanced for throwing.

Opinions of Others
Fuckin' Witches Arianwen - Spent the whole fuckin' trip pretendin' she was a bird to get a free ride, an' then tries to 'ave a go at me for treatin' 'er like a bird. Fuckin' bitch. Cirice – I know there's some weird shit 'round 'ere, but a fuckin' kid what's older than me? She gets my 'ackles up. Essel – I don't like 'er an' I sure don't trust 'er, but Coleán's right - we got a fair deal in the end an' the Thorn won't 'ave made it if she didn't do 'er magic to 'elp bail. Evelyn – The bitch swans around like 'er shit don't stink. 'ow she's lasted this long actin' that fuckin' stupid beats me.

Important Folk Robin 'ood – Thought those stories were bullshit, but I guess I've seen the Pirate King myself. I always thought the man behind the stories would be so far up 'is own arse 'e can't remember sunlight; I guess sometimes people can live up to expectations. Tancred – Only thing more dangerous than a man with that amount of blood on 'is 'ands is a man who thinks it's a noble thing. Tessora – What the fuck 'ave they been feedin' 'er? I never seen a woman so big, or one what 'ad such a way about 'er. Torvi – One look an' you know the bitch is mad. A closer look an' you know you were right the first time. It's like she sees straight into you; it ain't right.

Goons Falko – The big bastard seems decent enough, even if 'e's clearly taken a few too many blows to the 'ead. Old Giles – Don't take much to see 'e's a fighter. Old bastard's not one to piss off. Islwyn - A "bodyguard" who don't even 'ave the balls to look you in the eye? I wouldn't trust 'im with my spare socks, let alone my life. I bet 'e'd fuck those trees if it weren't for the splinters an' all. Millie – The little shit don't know when to shut up, does she? Silk – If that fucker tries 'alf the shit to me I've 'eard 'e pulls on others, 'e ain't gonna be doin' it long. Still, 'e's not a total fuckin' idiot, an' at least 'e sees the witches need remindin' they ain't fuckin' gods.

Crewmates Coleán Light Touch – 'e's a sound enough guy. Gets along with folk, what I ain’t ever been good at. Gets good prices an’ that, an' 'e don’t pocket nothin’ extra for 'imself. Snail-Drum Sven – Guy ain’t much of a talker, but 'e knows 'is shit, 'e's strong as an ox, an' 'e don’t complain about nothin’, long as 'e don’t ‘ave to go too far from the ship. Elias – I’ve never seen a man put so much effort into doin’ fuck all, but the little shit’s useful. Got a weird knack for knowin’ the weather, an’ 'is eyes are damned sharp. Geoffroi – Smart kid. Don’t know why someone that posh is with us, but I ain’t complainin’; 'e's been taught proper, an' 'e's the only one what knows 'is letters. Hann – I been with 'im for years an’ I still don’t know nothin’ about 'im. 'e seems content enough luggin’ shit around, an’ 'e’s good in a scrap, an’ that’s good enough for me.

Pirates Eustace the Monk – They say 'e's made a pact with the devil. Lookin’ at the bastard, I ain’t sure I doubt it. Captain Wymond – 'e knows 'is arse from 'is elbow, but I don’t regret leavin’ the callous fucker for a second.

Experience
Spring 1193: 5xp Athletics, 2xp Magic Lore (Adventure - St. George's Channel) Summer 1193: 5xp Awareness, 2xp Brawl, 2xp Faerie Lore (Adventure - Hibernian Hounds) Autumn 1193: 2xp Profession: Sailor (Exposure) Winter 1193: 2xp Profession: Sailor (Exposure), 4xp Brawl, 1xp Profession: Sailor (Adventure - Liberating Erin (Cass' Death))

1183: First Kill an' Stowin' Away
“That noble fuck just wouldn't take no for an answer. Can't say I didn’t tell 'im straight – I don't think I can get much clearer than “fuck off or I’ll make you bleed, you posh cunt.” Guess 'e ain’t ever 'ad someone refuse 'im before. Maybe 'e liked it, maybe 'is ego couldn't take it, I dunno. All I know is 'e found me one night after a few drinks an' 'e weren’t stoppin' for nothin'.

Much as I scratched an' bit an' punched, 'e didn't let up. I guess all those fancy teachers of 'is teached 'im somethin' after all. Just not 'ow to be an 'alfway decent fuckin' person. Unlucky for 'im, I didn't neither.

I felt my 'eart beatin' all over, an' when 'e let my arms go to get at 'is belt, I jammed my thumbs in 'is eyes an' popped 'em right out. 'e fell back screamin', an' I just needed 'im to shut up 'fore anyone came runnin'. 'e may 'ave been a cunt, but there ain't no way anyone with any say-so would take my side against 'is. So I pulled 'is parin' knife from 'is belt an' I cut 'is throat. 'e kept gurglin' an' clawin' at me, an' my blood was up, an' my 'eart thumpin' in my ears, an' I was so fuckin' angry.

I just kept cuttin' an' cuttin', an' by the time the knife slipped from my 'ands, I'd gone through muscle an' windpipe an' bone. I was covered in 'is blood, an' my 'ands couldn't uncurl proper for a while. Couldn't see it safe to stick around after that, so I ran to the docks. Took some drunk's clothes, washed the blood off myself best I could, an' got on a ship, 'idin' myself in the cargo.”

1185: Captured by Pirates
“The next year, I was down in the 'old peelin' carrots when I 'eard a cry from up top, an' then a clatterin' of feet an' weapons. Didn’t take much to figure it was pirates, but I weren't gonna go stick my neck out for those fuckers. Besides, they probably wouldn't gimme a weapon an' I didn't 'ave no armour, an' I ain’t stupid enough to put myself in the middle of a battle like that.

So I took the little peelin' knife an' got in the shadows under the steps an' listened. It don't sound like it went too well; I figure no pirate's gonna pick a fight they ain't likely to win, so it seemed pretty fuckin' stupid to even put one up. But what do I know; I'm just “some fool peasant girl”. If I'm a fool, I dunno know what that makes them, 'cause a lot of 'em died.

Next thing, the 'atch opened an' someone started stompin' down the stairs. I didn't recognise the boots, so I stuck 'im in the calf an' 'e fell the rest of the way. I went at 'im with the knife, but 'e took my legs out an' then pinned my arms. 'e looked angry, then surprised, then… excited. I nutted 'im, an' then more boots came down an' I got dragged up to the deck. The pirates 'ad the rest of the crew on their knees at sword point, an' I got dragged in front of their captain. 'e 'ad me taken onto 'is ship, like I was some kind of cargo. Guess it won't be much worse than the past couple years.”

1186: Captive Life
“Turns out it's worse. I should've known. Course, the one I bled – Bryson, I think 'is name is – 'olds a grudge, an' a few of 'is friends besides. Most of the rest… well, they ain't gonna be all polite an' friendly. Not when they've not 'ad a woman in months an' there's one right in front of 'em. 'specially not one who's fair game, far as the captain's concerned, as long as they don't leave no permanent damage.

Bryson's been gettin' worse. Last night I pretended at bein' all defeated an' then got a good swing in; broke 'is nose. 'e beat me bloody after that. I can't do more than mumble without pain, an' my eye's all swollen an' blacked. I 'eard the captain ask 'im to ease up when they thought no one was listenin'. Apparently the others ain't 'appy with 'im messin' my face up, an' 'e come out of that last one in bad shape if 'e was needed to fight on the next take.

Bryson ain't gonna let up just for bein' asked nice, though, an' the captain don't 'ave the balls to make 'im. I ain't ever gonna stop puttin' up a fight, though, no matter 'ow much they beat on me – if you take it, they'll give it. So I ain't ever gonna take anythin'. Either they kill me, or they give up. That's the only way it'll end. I ain't livin' my life bein' no one's toy.”

1187: Becomin' a Crewmate
“A year of gettin' treated like shit, but the fuckers 'ave finally admitted I'm too dangerous to be thrown between crew. I swear 'alf the fuckers 'ave scars from me, an' I can't even remember when my nails didn't 'ave their blood under 'em. Now I'm one of 'em. It was either gonna be that or they toss me overboard.

They still don't give me no respect, even next to other green crew. They don't try it with me near as much any more, though. I still gotta sit with my back to the wall, but I get my share of loot an' the captain don't punish me for 'ittin' the cunts back.

In fact, I found Bryson waitin' for me in the cargo 'old when I was 'elpin' unload. Fucker waited for everyone else to be busy on shore or fixin' the windlass up on deck; 'e might've rigged it 'imself. 'e waved 'is axe around an' threatened me some, but I knew 'e weren't gonna do me in the cargo 'old for someone to find. I may be low on the crew, but you don't get to walk away from killin' one of your own.

Still, I ain't gonna let that stand; I do enough lookin' over my shoulder as a woman among pirates. So I made a show of stayin' aboard the ship when most were off ashore, an' then I slipped out at night, swam to shore, an' found 'im in the 'orehouse. Didn't take much thinkin' to figure that's where 'e'd be. I waited 'til 'e was done an' asleep, an' then I slit 'is throat.

I ain't gonna say I look back on it fondly, but it was gratifyin' to see the bastard's fear as 'e tried to 'old 'is neck together. I tossed 'is loot in the sea on the way back. Everyone figured 'e'd picked a fight ashore an' it caught up to 'im, or it was a robbery gone bad. 'e weren't liked by many, so no one thought much more than that.”

1189: Joining the Vanguard
“After that last take, I guess the captain can't even act like I ain't among the best of 'em in a scrap. The vanguard was strugglin' to get both feet on the other deck, an' I weren't gonna sit there an' wait for the order to pile in after they was all goners. But I weren't gonna throw myself into that shitshow with nothin' else goin' for me.

So I lost the armour, jumped into the water an' swam round the other side. Called up to 'em like I was some runaway prisoner, an' some poor soft-'earted fucker dropped the rope ladder. When 'e 'elped me up all gallant-like, I slit 'is throat an' dropped 'im overboard. No one saw, an' I got up to the captain in the sterncastle next an' stuck 'im too. Dropped the 'atch an' dragged 'is body onto it so the fuckers couldn't open it, an' then cut the tiller line so they weren't gettin' anywhere fast even if they did get me.

With 'im dead, the rest didn't 'ave the balls or smarts to put up much more of a fight, an' the vanguard broke through. After that, word got round to treat me proper. The captain 'ad to make me vanguard after that. Don't know if 'e actually wanted to give me the respect, or 'e just 'oped I'd get myself killed. I don't much give a shit. Better loot, more respect, an' the danger's comin' from outside for once.

The vanguard themselves are 'ard fuckers, but they respect strength. They don't give a fuck if you're English, French, Irish, Spanish, Ethopian – or even a woman. You don't get in unless you earn it, so if you earn it then that's good enough for 'em. Course, I still 'ave to deal with more shit than most, but tellin' people to fuck 'emselves actually works sometimes.”

1190: Servin' on the Vanguard
“There's a new crewmate just joined. Went straight into the vanguard; I prob'ly would've too if I 'ad a cock. Instead I 'ad to spend four years soakin' myself in blood; merchant's, crewmates' an' mine too. Still, 'e ain't bad. Talks funny, apparently 'e's from Germany.

I don't know much about 'im, but 'e's fuckin' good with a sword an' 'e don't look at me like the others. 'e ain't got no problem with 'avin' a woman fightin' next to 'im, but 'e ain't scared of me neither. Or of anythin', so far as I can tell. Last scrap, 'e saved my life.

They was just a little cog, an' they tried to get in to 'ug an island so our 'olk couldn't follow in the shallows. Stupid fuckers were too slow, so we got on 'em first, an' then in the fightin' they bottomed out too. Whole fuckin' ship tipped, an' the stupid fuckers didn't even tie their cargo down proper. Got my leg pinned when a crate came loose, an' some bastard came in to finish me. I might've been able to get a knife into 'im first, but I don't know, 'cause the German took 'is 'and off an' then buried 'is sword through 'is chest. 'elped me get my leg free, even though shit was flyin' every way, an' then we finished the job on 'em. Didn't mention it afterwards, neither.”

“Later on, we sailed to Sark. I’d been there before, when I was just a prisoner, but I was kept below deck an' didn't see none of it. This time, the captain brought a few of us with 'im when 'e went to pay respects to the Pirate King. I don't know why 'e brought me – maybe 'e 'oped Eustace would kill me. The island was bein' built up with defences, an' seemed just a bunch of ruins an' 'uts with a bay.

'is crew I saw was a scary gang of bastards, an' I don't fright easy; 'alf of 'em was undead or demons. Evil an' stinkin' an' soulless, an' they made me edgy, like I was stainin' myself just by bein' near 'em. The man 'imself came stridin' over like 'e was the most dangerous bastard in the world an' 'e knew it. Took one look at me an' laughed. Fuckin' laughed, an' started gabblin' on about Wymond's sense of 'umour, what I know 'e don't 'ave. About 'ow funny it was to see a woman pretendin' at bein' a pirate.

I weren't gonna take that shit from no one, not with all the shit I'd been through to get to where I was, so I punched 'im. I weren't thinkin' much, else I probably wouldn't've. But in my life, you either respond quick an' strong to disrespect, or you're settin' yourself up for an 'ell of a lot more. It was like 'ittin' a wall, an' 'e didn't seem to feel much of it, an' 'fore I knew what else 'appened, I was staggerin' back with a broken nose. A couple of the guys grabbed my wrists to stop me goin' back at 'im, an' 'e just laughed more.

Said I 'ad fire in me, an' then carried on talkin' to Wymond as if nothin' 'appened. Didn't say anythin' more about me, so I guess at least I showed 'im to treat me proper. The captain said after that I was lucky to be alive, but the shit I've been through, I ain't ever gonna see that as some great wisdom. I ain't lucky – everythin' I am an' everythin' I got is 'cause I ain't ever settlin' for less.”

1191: A Crew
“That last take, I chased a merchant into 'is quarters. 'e 'ad a fancy necklace an' some rings with gems on 'im. Stupid fuck tried to go at me with a letter opener when I took 'em, so I put my knife through 'is eye. I didn’t tell the captain about the loot, though. Fuck 'im, all the shit 'e put me through. 'im an' 'alf the crew – I took it as my payment. That's more than fair.

I don't waste coin like most – drinkin' just makes me a target for men, gamblin' for proper money's a fool's game, I ain't interested in whorin', an' I ain't got no one to send anythin' off to. So I been stashin' it, an' a few of the others been doin' the same. Together, with that merchant's jewels, we got enough together to get our own thing goin', deliverin' cargo. Less coin, but less risk an' more reliable. Fuck knows I been livin' dangerous enough, an' I'm sick of followin' someone else's say-so.

Coleán's not got anythin' goin' for 'im 'ere since 'e lost 'is right 'and; most experienced fighter on the crew, an' now 'e's just another body. But 'e knows 'ow to talk to folk, an' 'e's 'appier to be Quartermaster of a cog than crewmate of an 'olk. I think Sven would rather be under a captain what will leave 'im alone when 'e's workin'. Geoffroi will be with me no matter what. Elias is sick of bein' kicked about, an' 'e liked the sound of 'avin' a bit of a calmer life, not raidin' all the time. Hann an' Coleán are close friends, though fuck knows what they talk about. Still, 'e seemed 'appy to come along, an' an extra pair of 'ands won't 'urt.

Just a shame the German didn't stick around. 'e said 'e 'ad 'is own shit to deal with back 'ome first. I said 'e could find me down the line if 'e fancied it once 'e was done, an' 'e said 'e might. I 'ope 'e does - that bastard's worth five good men, an' they're rare enough anyways.”

1192: The Thorn
“We found a ship, a little cog. Sven reckoned it was the best bet; all the bigger ones we could buy would be more trouble than they're worth, an' we'd need to bring in strangers on top to crew it proper. I like it anyway, it'll be nippy in the water 'cause it's got a curved 'ull, what you don't often see for a cog. It'll make it a bastard for unloadin' 'eavy shit ashore, but I figure we can keep to 'arbours or else just carry light shit.

It'll take a season or two to make all the repairs an' changes I want – careenin' alone is gonna take a while, an' I want a forecastle an' crow's nest made. Coleán's earnin' 'is keep too, 'e's gettin' good prices for us, an' 'e reckons 'e's got one or two contacts already. 'e's only been ashore a month, I don't know 'ow 'e does it.”

The Irish Sea
“Elias 'ad one of 'is feelin's about a motherfucker of a storm brewin' out in the Irish Sea, right as we was loadin' up that cargo, 'eadin' right for us. I gave the order to toss what we'd loaded overboard to shed weight an' left the rest on the dock. I weren't takin' no risks, an' I don't much give a shit what the rich fucker who'd 'ired us 'ad to say about it.

We set sail quick as we could, an' 'eaded south 'cause that's where the wind was. I don't think Coleán was too 'appy about us losin' that job, but 'e didn't question me none, 'specially when 'e saw the size of the clouds 'eaded for Gloucester. We furled sails an' bobbed about 'til the storm passed on, an' then sailed back. Every other ship was fucked, an' weren't gonna be sailin' no time soon.

We was loadin' back up on what provisions we'd tossed when I seen Elias 'angin' on the jetty with a couple of folk. I went on over to see what was up, an' the woman said she was lookin' to buy transport to Ireland to visit family, but when I pressed said she was lookin' to buy some 'ounds for 'er lord in Nottingham. I told 'er ten pounds of silver, an' she got all wide-eyed at me, sayin' she only 'ad two. What kinda idiot brings one 'alfwit what don't even 'ave a sword or axe as protection on a long trip, an' brings that little money when lookin' to buy out 'er own ship both ways an' then buy posh dogs for a lord? I thought. The stuck-up bitch even asked for a cabin! A fuckin' cabin, on a ship this size what's made for takin' cargo places. I told 'er she could pay two now an' two after. Four for a few day's work ain't bad after all.

Either she really don't know 'er arse from 'er elbow, in which case that “Giscard” in Nottingham's even more stupid for sendin' 'er in the first place, or there was somethin' dodgy about the whole thing. I told Coleán to try wormin' some more answers out of 'em, but we're used to dealin' with dodgy folk so I weren't too fussed, so long as it didn't affect us.

They 'ad a fancy bird with 'em, an' I told 'em to stick it in a cage for the trip. They tried to argue about it bein' well trained an' that, but I weren't 'avin' some random animal loose on my ship. Coleán talked 'em round by promisin' they could let it out for some exercise. Don't make no sense to me, seein' as it weren't even a full day of sailin', but it calmed 'em down some. 'e's good at doin' shit like that.

Soon as we got out to sea proper, another fuck-off storm showed up on our bow outta nowhere – it weren't even 'alfway to an hour between clear skies an' the black clouds 'eadin' right for us. It was too big an' too quick to dodge, an' it would catch us 'fore we got back to a port, so we 'ad to just duck our 'eads an' 'ope we came out in one piece.

I yelled at the passengers if there was somethin' they weren't tellin' me, like if they was cursed or witches or anythin' – that shit don't just 'appen for no reason – but they said they was just normal folk. Like fuck. Still, I 'ad plenty of other things to worry about. I sent Sven below deck to make repairs an' check Geoffroi weren't pissin' 'imself, an' Hann an' Elias to furl the sails so we didn't lose the mast. Everyone tied 'emselves down, an' I tried to keep the ship goin' straight into it. Coleán 'ad to 'elp me keep the tiller true, but then it bucked an' we couldn't get the leverage to move it back against the current. Then the ship broached bad, an' the next wave 'it us abeam.

I woke up on a beach, an' figured I'd been out a day. I made sure the crew weren't dead or nothin', an' got my 'at, an' saw the ship was on its side, with three paces of clear land between its stern an' the waterline. Cargo was everywhere, most of it sodden an' spilled out.

Elias told me 'e didn't get no sense of direction or nothin', an' 'e saw the bird burst outta the cage like it was nothin'. I told 'im 'e must've 'it 'is 'ead, but told 'im to keep both eyes on the passengers just in case. The more time we spent with 'em, the more off they seemed. Elias an' them went off inland a ways to get food an' see if they could figure whereabouts we was, while the rest of us started makin' repairs to The Thorn. Luckily she weren't too banged up, an' I figured once Elias was back to give an 'and, we could take down the clewlines, pull 'er upright, tie 'em to the bowsprit, an' pull 'er round.

When I was climbin' along the mast, me an' Coleán saw the 'orizon was strange – all starry-like an' wrong. Essel came back an' said we was on an island. I thought the bitch was fuckin' with me – everyone knows there ain't no islands in Saint George's channel, an' we can't've been out long enough to put us far enough north or south to 'it any.

I'd 'ad enough of their bullshit, an' told 'em to come out with the truth there an' then or we was gonna 'ave issues. Essel said she was a fuckin' witch, an' even the fuckin' bird spoke up an' said the same. I told the bird I weren't speakin' to 'er when she was like that, an' she spouted off some bullshit about bein' more bird than person. I weren't takin' that shit, so Coleán gave 'er 'is jacket an' she turned into a woman.

Essel tried feedin' me some bullshit about bein' a “mage”, as if that were any fuckin' different. Everyone knows witches are bad luck at sea, an' I gave 'em plenty of fuckin' chances to tell me, an' the fuckin' bitch tried tellin' me they weren't bad luck. We'd barely gotten into the sea when a massive fuckin' storm shows up outta fuckin' nowhere, ruins our cargo, knocks us out, an' throws us onto an island that don't exist in some fuckin' stupid corner of purgatory. If that ain't witches bringin' bad luck, I'm fuckin' King Richard.

She talked about 'ow we was in some weird magic place, an' said 'ow we needed each other. 'ow we need 'em to get outta this shitshow, an' they need us to get 'em back to land once they do. I weren't sure I was buyin' that given all the other shit they'd tried to sell me, but Coleán reckoned there was no 'arm in seein' ourselves away from that fuckin' place 'fore we did anythin'. If they could get us out, then they weren't lyin'. If they couldn't, then we'd do things my way. I kept my eyes open an' my knives close to 'and in case they tried anythin' 'fore then.

I left Sven to finish up gettin' the ship ready, an' Elias to keep an eye out, an' Geoffroi to do all 'is countin' of supplies. The rest of us went inland, where the bird – Arianwen – said was some buildin's. Turns out there was 'undreds of 'em, an' even more big fuckers who was actin' weird, walkin' through walls like ghosts. Essel acted all sure they was 'armless, so I told 'er to go first. They didn't pay much attention 'til she walked into one an' it started screechin' some noise what I don't ever wanna 'ear again, my ears was bleedin' an' ringin' for ages after.

It just pointed further in, an' Essel reckoned we should go there, but there weren't no way we was gonna 'ave that racket again, so we went into the sewers, what was better made than most noble's 'ouses. We got to the middle buildin', an' it didn't take no genius to figure the big fuckers 'ad some connection to Atlantis – fuck knows what they're doin' in the Irish Sea. Then we came to a massive room with a paintin' or somethin' on the ceilin'. I ain't never seen the like – puts all the shit in churches to shame, that's for fuckin' sure.

One of the big fuckers spoke up, an' 'e was actually speakin' English. Still got no idea what the fuck 'e was actually on about, though. The fucker was simple, an' kept talkin' nonsense like “up is down” an’ “doors didn't exist yet” an' “we are underwater”. Then the bastard kept callin' me an' Coleán diminished, an' actin' like I was somethin' to pity. I told 'im to stop that shit – I don't care 'e was eight feet tall an' our only way outta that shit, I weren't takin' that. Stupid cunt just looked all confused, but 'e stopped once Coleán explained to 'im like 'e was a kid.

Then the mad fucker told us we 'ad to capsize the fuckin' ship to get out. Sounded like one stupid fuckin' way of losin' the ship an' dyin', but the witches said they thought it would work. Course, I weren't just gonna trust that with the shit they'd said before, but they were gonna be on the ship too, an' if there's one thing I trust 'em to do, it's look after their own fuckin' skin.

Coleán said it was the stupidest thing we've ever done, an' I weren’t gonna argue. We tied ourselves down aboard, an' the mad fucker made the sun set with a snap of 'is fingers. Coleán said that's a proper mage, an' I weren't gonna argue with that neither. The whole ship tipped into the sea, an' I made the stupid fuckin' mistake of breathin' in as it came in – my lungs were burnin' with the want to cough it up, but underwater that was a sure way to drown, so I 'ad to keep it in until the ship some'ow turned back aright.

Open water was all around, as it should be, an' Elias 'ad 'is sense back. Sven called from below decks that The Thorn was in a sorry state, an' 'e didn’t know if she'd make it to Ireland. I 'ad Elias an' Hann unfurl the sails an' get us goin', with Sven patchin' what 'e could an' the fuckin' witches an' their pet mute get bailin'. Gotta admit, Essel actually showed some use, usin' magic to throw waves of water outta the ship, more than five people combined.”

Dublin
“The crew gave it their all to keep the ship aloat an' followin' my orders, 'cause they knew it would be tight. Still took every trick I 'ad to get us to port without losin' the ship, an' with 'ardly a few minutes to spare, we got 'er in an' 'anded over to the pilots an' up onto a dry dock. Dockmaster started 'eapin' praise on the ship an' me for my captainin' – even if praise ain't exactly common for a woman in my line of work, I weren't in the fuckin' mood an' left Coleán to do the talkin'.

Apparently we'd been gone for a whole fuckin' month! So that was even more this fuckin' job cost me takin' the witches aboard. If they was normal folk, we would've sailed no problem. Then the guy went an' said repairs would take another two months, an' run us thirty fuckin' pounds. I was about ready to take the witches somewhere quiet an' slit their fuckin' throats, but Essel said she'd borrow some money an' pay it 'erself. I said to make it fifty, on account of all the fuckin' shit she'd caused.

She 'ad the fuckin' nerve to argue – said I was goin' back on my word to 'er. As if she weren't lyin' through 'er teeth the whole fuckin' time, as if she weren't a witch bringin' us the worst luck, an' as if a simple three-day trip each way ain't no different from an 'old-full of lost cargo, two fuckin' capsizin's, an' three fuckin' months of lost time.

Even if every other fuckin' ship in Gloucester were seaworthy, the cunt could've gone to every fuckin' one of 'em an' the best price she'd likely get – bein' honest about bein' a witch – would be ten pounds for a season, an' twelve bein' nearer to normal. Given the fact that there weren't no fuckin' other ships, an' we could've sat at port a few more days an' gotten some desperate merchant or noble payin' well over the odds to get movin', I reckon closer to fifteen. The extra five ain't much of a price to ask for all the lies an' bullshit we'd got on their account.

Fuck Coleán talkin' about keepin' our 'eads down, fuck bein' in a city, an' fuck 'er bein' a witch, one more fuckin' stupid argument from 'er an' I weren't gonna answer with sharp words, but sharp steel. She must've seen it too, 'cause she agreed to fifty. Shifty bitch tried sayin' 'ow the folks she was borrowin' from weren't likely to go so 'igh as fifty, but she'd try.

As if I were some idiot who'd take 'er word on that. Nothin' to stop 'er goin' over to 'em, askin' for thirty, an' then comin' back to me with 'ands up, sayin' that was all she could get. I went with, an' talked to some arsehole with an even bigger stick up 'is arse than 'er. They started talkin' fancy, but I made damn fuckin' sure they moved to English so's we could all know what was bein' spoke.

'e signed off on the fifty like it were nothin', an' I ain't gonna act like it weren't gratifyin' to see 'im bend 'er over the table with the agreement. She also paid for someone to take 'er to somewhere more witches live, so that's one more prick to deal with.

The guy called me back in for a talk, just the two of us, an' 'e pitched me one 'ell of a deal. Some'ow 'e knew of my piracy, an' said 'e'd make sure it never caught up to me. Then 'e gave me an offer to work the North Sea for more witches for good money, an' all I 'ad to do was answer a couple of questions about some “Ascians” Essel 'ad been on about to other witches. I made damn sure that was all 'e wanted, an' I didn’t owe 'im nothin' after we was done with that.

I told Coleán I must be learnin' somethin' from 'im – I went over without 'im, an' I come outta it with fifty pounds an' better work, all for a few piss-easy answers to somethin' what don't matter to us. I told Essel straight about what 'e'd said, an' she talked a load of weird shit about daggers what can cut through a way witches 'ave of findin' you. Said if she 'ad a piece of your clothes, or blood, or even a name, they can find you. I told Coleán to burn everythin' if we was to kill one.

She said about 'ow witches 'ave to lie about bein' witches 'cause folk don't trust 'em an' sometimes attack 'em – an' folk don't trust 'em an' sometimes attack 'em 'cause they go round lyin'. Sounds like a shit situation to be in. Still don't make it right to lie to us – 'specially not after we was all stuck on that island – seein' as they're bad luck an' we 'ave a right to know who we 'ave aboard with us, but I guess I can see why they would.”

Witch Talks
“Miles turned out to be one of them mouthy fuckers who's gotten a taste for wavin' what 'e knows about like some grand thing. As if 'e's so much cleverer than others, an' as if no one else knows anythin' 'e don't.

We got to the place the witches was goin' to buy the dog from, an' they was awful keen to make sure we weren't Norman. They chatted a bunch about 'ow Cadmus was an arsehole, 'ow shit was fucked around 'em, an' a bunch about people an' places I ain't ever 'eard of, sometimes in priests' talk. Coleán went with 'em to 'elp 'aggle a good price outta them, an' they got to an agreement on it. The Irish 'eld a piss-up for us, an' no one troubled me none when I sat in the corner with a pint the 'ole evenin' while the others talked more nonsense or made fools of themselves.

Miles took us through some magic path. I weren't trustin' 'im when 'e made to send us all through first, so I went last, an' 'e said if we saw a black dog as we went, to “confront it”. Sure enough, I saw the fuckin' thing, so I went off to 'ave a go. Some magic shit 'appened an' I weren't with the others no more. The fuckin' thing seemed to know an awful fuckin' lot about me, but still needed me to say what I was scared of.

I never saw the appeal of thinkin’ about shit like that – nothin’ people ever threatened me with ever but much fear in me, an’ that was all I ever needed to know. But I guess I never felt right when I got to feelin’ for people. Showin’ feelin’s besides anger is worse than a knife at your throat around the company I’ve kept, an’ I never liked not bein’ able to figure out ‘ow I felt. Gettin’ all turned around an’ feelin’ lost in myself.

That seemed to be enough for ‘im, an’ ‘e said I could go back to the road, but ‘e said Coleán an’ Elias weren’t there. They’d left it to back me up, an’ they could wind up on the far side of the world, or stuck in a different time, ‘an I’d ‘ave to “follow their story” to get ‘em back, whatever the fuck that meant. When I got back, they was gone. I bloodied Miles’ nose for not tellin’ ‘em to stick to the road, an’ told the witches ‘ow we met, but thankfully they turned up soon after. Gotta say I enjoyed watchin’ Coleán punch Miles too.

When we got to the other witch villages, Essel went an’ spoke to ‘em. If there’s one thing I’ve learnt about witches, it’s that the only thing they love more than bein’ all mysterious with normal folk, is the sound of their own fuckin’ voices. Spendin’ hours talkin’ in circles about simple stuff, an’ hours more sayin’ shit they all know to each other like it’s some grand wisdom.

Typically, most all of 'em was 'appy to talk shit about Cadmus, but they'd only 'ave the balls to actually do anythin' if they was in a crowd. Essel was sayin' 'ow it weren't about the money, but chargin' that much was an insult. That I can understand – same reason I 'ad 'er pay extra for lyin' to me, after all.

When they got to talkin' about my ship's repairs, one stupid fucker asked if I could tell what needed fixin' an' if it was done proper. As if I weren't the fuckin' captain of the fuckin' thing, an' as if I sailed a ship that badly fucked across 'alf the Irish Sea on just luck.

The second place there was one at least who got to the fuckin' point – fuck knows 'ow long the talk would've been without, seein' as it was still 'alf the fuckin' day. The other one asked what I thought, an' I pointed out 'ow if you let an insult stand, then folk are gonna get to thinkin' they can do anythin' to you. Don’t take shit an' they'll think twice.

She said 'ow nothin' is ever simple, which I reckon is just what fancy fucks like to tell 'emselves so they feel clever. Most things are simple, an' most others can be made simple with a well-placed knife or two. She said 'ow sometimes it's about bein' the bigger person, which is the kinda thing people like to tell 'emselves when they ain't got the balls to do nothin' besides walk away. I said 'ow the bigger person is the one what's left standin', an' she didn't 'ave no answer to that.

She said 'ow Cadmus would fuck up the repairs to The Thorn some'ow, bein' all pissy about Essel kickin' up a stink over the five silver. Essel said she won't start until we're back in England, but if she's so sure word spreads so quick among witches an' she's blabbed to 'alf the ones in Ireland about it, I ain't sure I trust that stoppin' 'im from findin' out. Still, fuck all I can do 'til I get back, an' if 'e 'as, 'e'll 'ave to answer to me.

Elias spotted some wolves watchin' us from a way off, an' when I pulled daggers Arianwen started sayin' 'ow they ain't gonna do nothin' against 'em 'cause they was witches like 'er. Given Essel was sayin' one of 'er mates got killed by a dagger an' another stabbed, they sound like they bleed just like anyone an' just like to act like they don't.

She said 'e was 'er teacher or somethin', an' was pissed that she left 'is lot to join with Essel. Said it was 'cause she wanted to be 'er own boss. I get that, but all she's done is whatever Essel says. She said she don't just do that, but she respects Essel, which smelled like bullshit to me – just 'cause you respect someone don't mean you don't 'ave ideas of your own an' don't do nothin' without their say-so. It don't make no sense.”

More Fuckin' Witch Problems
We was eatin' breakfast the next mornin' when Essel stood up an' gave some big speech about 'ow much she's learned lately. I guess either she's realised she don't 'ave all the answers, or she's realised people don't take it well when she swans around actin' like she does. I reckon it's an improvement either way.

She said 'ow you need to talk straight to get people to trust you proper, like that were some grand fuckin' wisdom, an' 'ow she 'oped to meet the “real” me, as if I ain't been real fuckin' clear with my feelin's. She don't know what I been through, so she sure as shit don't know who I am or why the crew are mine. They respect me 'cause they know I've dealt with all kinds of 'orrible shit an' come out in one piece, an' they’re loyal 'cause they know that shit was worse than anythin' we're like to come up against goin' forward.

She gave some fuckin' sob story about 'ow she didn't 'ave no family 'fore she got taken in by them other witches – sounds like she went from a normal life to a good one to me. Still, she knows she 'ad it good, an' feels like she owes them witches for givin' it to 'er. Just shows 'ow I'm right – everyone ends up owin' a piece of 'emselves to others, even witches.

Then she went on about 'ow many of their servants owe 'em for takin' 'em in when there ain't no other place for 'em. Guess I finally see why people stick to 'em – most of 'em ain't got no choice. I don't buy 'er talk about love, though. It's true enough you can't 'ate someone proper unless they either take somethin' you love, or you loved 'em in a way first. But 'ate an' anger sure is a stronger feelin', even if it often ain't as lastin'.

Gotta respect 'er bein' willin' to die for what she wants, but it's easy to say that shit when death seems a long fuckin' way off. It's another thing to stick to it when death's right in your face.

After that shit we 'eaded off an' saw them wolf-witches again, 'fore we came to a shitty little village that some pirates was stockin' up at. The captain, a big red-bearded bastard, tried 'avin' it on with me, but 'e was more clued up than I took 'im for, 'cause 'e backed off sharpish when I scowled at 'im. After, we was in some miserable fuckin' rain an' the ground was a proper mess, but Essel did some magic to 'elp us get along better. It’s sure a long fuckin' way off what people say witches can do, but I guess it is useful.

That fuckin' dog was waitin' for us at the faerie road, an' said 'ow our price 'ad been been paid already, an' put us in some forest. The witches reckoned the bird’s family was fuckin' us over, an' we was in some part of Ireland what witches ain't allowed in 'cause the druids 'ate 'em, an' will kill 'em on sight - an' probably whoever they was with. She seemed pretty fuckin' casual about it, like the idea of us dyin' weren't much of a problem for 'er, 'cause she could just piss off into the sky if we was caught.

We went to a town, with Arianwen goin' back to actin' like she was just some bird an' Miles an' Essel actin' like they was normal. Coleán talked our way in, an' the guards took our weapons off us – though I slipped some knives past. I weren't goin' into a strange town where they would be lookin' to kill us if they knew what we were.

We met their leaders – druids, Essel called 'em – an' they 'ad us drink. Essel spilled 'ers, an' apparently that meant they knew she was a witch. After some witch talk, the druids asked what I reckoned of 'er, an' I told 'em straight; I don't trust any witches to do anythin' except look after 'emselves, an' comin' to this place, with no proper reason, no proper disguise an' no proper security would be a pretty fuckin' good way of gettin' killed.

They 'ad us promise not to 'urt any druids, which was fine by me so long as they didn't try any shit with me. They sent us to some pub while they decided what to do with us, an' I weren’t gonna stay in the room with the witches, so I went downstairs to 'ave a drink an' watch Coleán make nice with the other folk.

Some cunt plonked 'imself at my table an' started tryin' to pull some chat outta me. Said 'e thought my face was familiar, an' when 'e learned we 'ad some trouble on the Irish Sea, 'e started braggin' about killin' pirates on the south coast. I 'ad no fuckin' clue who 'e was, but I 'ad plenty of scraps with the Irish down there, an' some none too pleasant.

They never 'ad much loot on 'em, if any, 'cause they were often just there for a fight rather than profits. When we got wise to it an' started steerin' clear of 'em, they got tricky. Threw up merchant's colours, loaded up crates full of rocks to ride lower in the water, kept most men in the 'old, shit like that. Then when we pulled level with 'em, they' come swarmin' out like rats. Nasty fuckers, they are.

I asked if 'e was lookin' for another fight 'ere an' now, an' the stupid fucker said 'e was. I pulled a knife an' stabbed 'im through the 'and, an' when 'e cried out like a bitch for me to stop, I pulled it out an' watched 'im run off an' went back to my drink. The other bastards acted like they never saw nothin' more funny, but I kept the knife close anyway.

One of the druids asked me what 'appened, but I acted like I didn't speak no Gaelic an' Coleán answered that the fucker asked for it. They decided to let us go, an' took us to another faerie road. Essel 'ad to make even more witch talk with the faerie to get us through to Dublin.

The witches and their pet Welshman went off to get that dog, an' we went off to see to the Thorn. Elias lifted Miles' supposed magic rocks, but 'e couldn't get it to work so 'e ended up tossin' it into the sea. Cadmus 'ad some goons watchin' the ship, but they didn't do nothin'. When the witches got back, we dropped 'em off at Gloucester an' 'eaded round the south coast to get up the Trent to Nottingham, an' then went to the Red Boar, what Essel 'ad told me about.

Some knight was bringin' a bunch of poor fuckers into Nottingham to find out about this “Robin Hood” bastard, an' told us there was £80 in it if we knew anythin' that'd get 'im caught.

The landlord made a big fuckin' fuss of givin' Coleán a drink 'e made out to be a short step from poison, an' I seein' 'is face when Coleán downed it no problem was pretty damned funny. Then this “Silk” bastard showed up, who's one of them fucks who manages to sidle forwards rather than just sideways. Apparently 'e makes sure folk lookin' to join their little coven ain't gonna fuck anythin' up. Course they wouldn't 'ave one of their own be the first line of defence.

I told 'im about Cadmus' offer, an' what Coleán and Geoffroi reckoned about the kind of profit we'd be lookin' at sailin' goods around these waters, which 'e was 'appy about. I made damned fuckin' sure I weren't gonna be seen as no servant of theirs, which Silk said they call a “grog” – they needed the money (an' probably some common fuckin' sense), an' we needed the contacts. I said I was fine with bein' muscle on land if the witches need it, like I was in Ireland, providin' any fuckin' shit what comes our way comes outta their cut of things rather than ours. Witches is still bad luck, an' if the ship or crew are 'urt doin' shit for 'em, I need 'em looked after.

Silk agreed, an' told me about all the fuckin' weird folk livin' with 'em, where the bird-witch weren't close to the worst of 'em. 'e took me over to what 'e called Sage'ollow, in the middle of the forest. Felt like I didn’t know what way was up after all the twists an' turns through the trees, an' I swear 'e took me in a big fuckin' loop at one point. The coven 'ad some 'ot water without no fire – I reckon they 'ave a big version of that rock Miles 'ad.

I saw some of them weird fuckers walkin' about, and more weird fuckers besides that Silk never said about. Two metal things shaped like cats what could speak, an' some blind kid with a pig, an' I swear I saw some bare-footed woman boundin' through the undergrowth for a moment. I collared one of the normal lookin' bastards and 'ad 'im show me where I was stayin' while I’m not with the ship, an' 'e gave me a rundown of the buildin's. The caves 'ave all the witches' lairs and their books, the 'ot waters 'ave different days for men and women cleanin' 'emselves, an' they 'ave free ale at their eatin' room.

No wonder – they need to keep the normal folk 'alfway sane, an' free drink's a pretty cheap way to do it.”

A Funeral
“Silk, that fuckin' wild woman an' that fuckin' freaky 'eathen witch came back lookin' all sorry for 'emselves. Word got round they'd got their arses 'anded to 'em over on the Isle of Man, an' two of 'em died – Essel's friend an' that big bastard. The first one ain't much of a shock, though fuck knows Essel sure seemed to think so. That other fucker was tough as old boots an' twice as dumb, so 'e must've taken some killin'.

Essel 'ad a funeral for 'em, an' came out all teary. Guess she 'as got feelin's beyond 'erself after all.

Everyone 'ad a big piss-up after, what I stayed well out of an' went to Nottingham instead. When I got back, they was all goin' on about 'ow great they was, an' Falko was gonna make stone 'eads of the pair of 'em. Don't see the sense in that – why folk who ain't seen as much worth celebratin' get a big fuckin' deal made of 'em as soon as they ain't around no more. Like never visitin' a pub an' then when it gets shut, moanin' about 'ow great it was.”

Autumn 1193: Back to Sailin’
“I got back to sailin' with the crew again in Autumn. Turns out the North Sea weren't much different from the Irish or The Channel, an' it was pretty easy goin'. That Rufus guy set us up with some runs around the coast to start with - 'e said 'e'd get us goin' to Normandy an' maybe Denmark an' Norway later. Guess 'e's wantin' to see if we don't fuck up nothin' doin' the easy shit.

The profits was good an' the cargo was easy – just movin' wool about, which as long as it's kept dry ain't much bother, an' them witches got good crates that don't let no water in 'em. Maybe once we move to movin' wines about it'll be more of a shit – they're fuckin' 'eavy an' trim can be a fucker with it all sloshin' about.”

Winter 1193: Breakin’ into Nottingham Castle
“Them witches told me to stand in on their meetin'. They was plannin' to break into Nottingham Castle an' free some girl what was bein' 'eld there as an 'ostage. They wanted the Thorn to take 'em over an' then back out. They asked a few questions about if we could do that - 'course, it weren't gonna be easy, but it was doable.

When we got there, we met some crime boss who went by the name “The Fox”. He was some noble prick until Giscard fucked 'im - 'e clearly weren't as useless as most of 'em, but 'e was still the type to like actin' all clever an' powerful. Still, seein' him get a few over on Essel an' Silk was pretty funny. 'e said 'e thought 'e recognised me, though I don't know where from. 'e didn't strike me as the type to spend much time at sea, an' when we went raidin' on land we stayed clear of any noble estates. Maybe 'e was just wrong.

Essel decided to sent two groups out – Essel an' Silk an' this burglar woman to get the girl, an' Evelyn, some kid an' the old fucker to be backup an' see if there was some other shit they could do in there to fuck Prince John. The second group was gonna try gettin' in by swimmin' through some fuckin' underwater tunnel, an' I didn't reckon there was much chance of the idiot witch or the kid gettin' through without drownin'. The old fucker seemed in good enough shape despite 'is age. Essel asked me to go with 'em to 'elp – besides, none of 'em were much good at doin' dark shit like this.

The idiot witch did some fuckin' magic to make 'erself breathe when underwater, an' one on the rest of us to stop us feelin' the cold, an' one on a bag to keep it dry underwater with my knives an' some servant clothes. Apparently she couldn't cast no spell to get us breathin' underwater too - sounds like a shit witch to me.

The swim was a tough one even for me; though I 'ad to basically 'old the idiot witches' 'and the whole fuckin' way, an' she kept strugglin' an' just makin' it worse than if she was dead weight. Fuck knows 'ow the kid made it. The old fucker must've dragged 'im along a fair bit.

They'd gone an' covered the well the tunnel came to with solid fuckin' stone, but Evelyn did some witchery to peel it open like cloth an' then fuckin' flew up there. Didn't fuckin' bother doin' that when I was draggin' 'er through the fuckin' water, an' didn't even get none of us flyin' neither, so we 'ad to climb the whole fuckin' well ourselves, an' only just made it before the stone reformed. I'd 'ave 'ad a right go at 'er, but we was in the castle then and the stupid bitch don't even speak English so there weren't no point anyways.

We was in some storage room, and 'eard guards comin' an' goin'. When there was a quiet part, I told the old fucker an' the kid to stand in the corner an' face the fuckin' wall while me an' the witch stripped an' put on the servant's clothes. She did some witchery to make us all dry, which I guess was useful.

We gave Essel plenty of time to get the girl out, an' seein' as there weren't no screamin' or yellin', figured she did it quiet. So seein' as we weren't needed to get 'er out, we thought of what other shit we could pull to fuck John over. Spoilin' the well was obvious, an' the kid found a few dead rats what the cats catched to throw in. 'course that weren't gonna be enough, so I took one an' lured a cat over, an' then gutted it. The witch 'ad this fuckin' wide-eyed look like she never seen a dead thing before an' was gonna start cryin' like some fuckin' four year old. The kid went an' dropped 'em in the well an' then we grabbed some laundry to get into the keep.

There was a big fuckin' bang from it, an' a big fuckin' statue thing with a spear ripped right through the fuckin' wall, jumped out an' ran off. We got hustled into the church, an' Giscard an' Prince John was there with some noblewoman in red. Fuck knows what they was all doin' up after midnight. The kid listened in on 'em talkin', an' she was a witch who made the statue, which had chased Essel after she got that girl out.

John an' Giscard started thinkin' there was more folks in the castle what shouldn't be, an' got to pickin' out servants for interrogatin'. Fuckers picked me an' the idiot witch. I would’ve started swingin' an' took my chances runnin', but Giscard 'ad near 'alf a dozen knights with 'im when 'e came for me an' took me into some room with 'is knights an' the red witch.

They tied me up an' the fuckin' witch some'ow knew when I was lyin'. I tried givin' 'alf-truths like 'ow I don't work for no witches - 'cause I work with 'em - 'an she knew when I was doin' that too. The cunts said they was gonna cut my 'ands off an' get to torturin' me if I kept slippin' the questions, but after that I didn't give 'em much 'cause they were askin' stupid shit that I couldn't be specific about anyways. Then they all froze up outta nowhere - the idiot witch 'ad gotten out an' cast a spell on 'em.

I slipped free while they was like that and pulled a knife from one of the knights, but when I got near Giscard an' the red witch to do 'em, I got this big fuckin' pain in my 'ead an' they got outta the spell an' ran off. I was pissed, so I chased Giscard down. The cunt got all tangled with 'is stupid scabbard an' fell down, an' 'fore 'e could get up, I was on 'im, too close for 'im to draw 'is sword proper. I stabbed 'im, an' kept stabbin' 'til I was sure 'im gurglin' on the end of 'is own knight's blade was the last thing 'e was ever gonna do.

The kid an' the old fucker an' the idiot witch all found me an' we ran back to the rooms we was bein' interrogated in. John an' all 'is knights was knocked out, an' the kid picked up a club an' caved 'is 'ead in. I didn't think 'e 'ad it in 'im to kill a man like that, but you never know with some people. Likely 'e didn't know either until then.

The idiot witch used magic to open up the wall like she did at the well, an' while she did I slit the knight's throats what were still stuck there. I weren't gonna leave no witnesses if I 'ad a say in it. We got back to the Thorn an' I got changed back into my own shit.

Silk turned up not long after, carryin' the burglar - she’d taken an arrow in the neck when they was runnin' off. Not the best or the worst way to go. Silk seemed awful broke up about it, I guess 'e 'ad a soft spot for 'er. I suppose that's why 'e carried 'er off - that or 'e didn't wanna leave no corpses for anyone what might recognise 'em.

Essel turned up a while later, apparently 'avin' slipped the statue some'ow, an' we took 'em all back towards their place. We sailed on to Derby to get a new coat of varnish just in case anyone clocked us some'ow, an' stuck around there waitin' for things to calm down a bit for a few weeks.”

* * *

“I got a letter what I gave to Geoffroi. 'e said it was from the witches, sayin' 'ow they 'ad to move off towards Carlisle 'cause of all the shit we'd done. Said I was welcome to meet 'em up there, an' it was for the best. I figured it was either that or slug around doin' cargo runs for them other witches, an' I know the west coast better anyway. Can't 'urt to 'ead over an' at least 'ear 'em out, I figured, so we're settin' sail in a few weeks when the ice on the river melts some.”